Thursday, September 20, 2012

clarification: a note to myself

my blog, is, well, mine.

 i know it goes without saying that, but i need to remind myself of that. i'm Lacey and i write about what matters to me. i don't write about everything that goes on in my life. but i do like to write about life. sometimes, i get consumed with the other blogs that i read. rather than reading and sharing in their lives, occasionally i'll compare myself, my life, and my blog to anyone of the fabulous bloggers that i follow. i've been so blessed, encouraged, and i've laughed at many a wonderful post by some awesome ladies, but, i easily get consumed with how life appears instead of how it is. thinking is good. i do a lot of thinking, and i like to think. however, when i'm traveling circles in my own train of thought, i dwell. i park myself in the driveway of either condemnation or pity. i'm not a consistent blogger. i don't have a stellar camera to document every moment of my life. am i too spiritual? is it even possible to be "too" spiritual? there are just some of the thoughts that i've been replaying in my head. i get bogged down by my own idea of what a successful blogger ought to be. it really is quite silly, but it's the truth. one night i was working on a craft and i couldn't find the camera to document the occasion. i was bummed because i thought, "i need to post something besides words. maybe people think all i do is sit in a corner and think about deep spiritual matters." pathetic. just plain pathetic. i need to stop focusing on what are people are doing. i should take my own advice and accept who i am. i'll live my life, make my memories, and be me.

though i have been a little down on myself (obviously, unnecessarily), i have been so happy! first of all, i am SO excited to be where God wants me. knowing that i am where he wants me is a fantastic feeling. while i'd like to be in Costa Rica, i know i'm not supposed to be there now. secondly, school has been pretty rad so far. God is just amazing. He is so tender and kind to little ole me. i met Alyse on my first day of school. she is one of the sweetest girls i know. she's sincere, raw, and absolutely hilarious. it's awesome to have a like-minded sister in Christ. we've been able to do homework together, EAT (hahah we always end up talking about food) and of course, pass notes in class. :) next, on the list of happiness, is my church. i'm blown away by God's plan. His plan is the best plan (isaiah 55:9), and i'm just stunned every time i realize i get to fellowship with the people at my church and that i'm a youth leader this year. along with the excitement of being at the church i'm currently at, God has been smacking my in the face with the word humility. in practically every situation i face, i need to exercise humility. what's funny about life is that lessons are never ever fully learned. if i learned to be humble i'd check it off my list and move on to another characteristic. PAH. life isn't perfect, therefore, it's an everyday thing. 

i know why i get caught up in other people's "perfect lives." in the first place, the view that life is perfect and always wonderful is distorted. i deceive myself, but also, P-R-I-D-E. i never want to admit that i'm full of pride, though, i definitely am. i wasn't satisfied with my blog and my thoughts because i hadn't been thanking God for all his many blessings. i have to step back. zoom out. oh, so easily, my heart and mind attach to the microscopic, worthless details of life, but again, that's why Jesus has to continually smack me in the face, wake me up to the reality of his constant, steadfast goodness. just the other day i read psalm 136, his love endures forever. God's love is always, will always, and has always been sure, steady, and constant. He transcends all earthly things. 

i never really understood what its like when pastor's say that they are preaching to themselves as much as they are to the congregation, not until tonight that is. i just needed to write a note to myself.