Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thoughts about where I am

Last night, after days, weeks, possibly one month, I wrote down the thoughts that were bottled up in my little head. It's only kind of stressful contemplating a future decision; this is not just any future decision, it is a decision that must involve a lot of prayer, deep study of the word, and a lot a lot of wisdom from older and wiser people.

I'm at a place of stopping,


of thinking, 
of deep contemplation.




The way? 
The path? 
His will?


Feels,
and is
so far off, yet there is no way to get far away from him.


Tension and agony fill my heart, not with fear or depression, but ache for not being sure of his will. There are "in-his-will-times", "out-of-his-will-times", and just the in-between-times, and that is where I'm at : stuck in the in-between-times. Walking into the unknown is not hard for me. At times it can seem adventurous. However, sometimes the unknown is an endless hallway, that is when situations become eerie.  When I continue to walk and don't run into that wooden door that is definitively signalling a specific answer, that is what I picture myself doing. Probing doors with one key as the doors continue to unlock is an easy thing to do. But, when that one key does not open the door, and the time lapse of critical thinking ensues before deciding which way to go, or by what means I shall proceed on my journey, that time lapse is where I am. One may describe a situation by reaching a pause and coming to a fork in the road. The term reaching "a fork in the road" just doesn't cut it for me. My fork is not a "follow the yellow brick road to the right for unending joy, and happiness" or "follow the red road to the left for gloom, doom, destruction, and utter despair." Each of my options are far, wide, drastic, and completely life changing, each path provides varied experiences and opportunities. I haven't hit the wall *bam*, my answer revealed, problem solved.


I :
cannot,
will not,
am in capable,
of ever doing it all
on my own.

"but what could I say?
and what could I do?
but offer this  heart, O God, completely to  you."


I really do know "where" I am, I'm in my room. I'm not psychologically impaired. I'm just sharing my thoughts about my uncertainty about college choices and the rest of my life :)

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